through my 20 years old of living on this planet by accident, i discovered many feelings that brought me alive and dead at the same time.
the first feeling of being friendzoned because obviously no beauty Appreciation.
the first feeling of getting drunk not because of wine but breathing difficulty and burning lungs from the first tear gas dropped next to my leg in a demonstration at somewhere in the so-called middle east.
the fake smile on my face when my grandparents were making jokes, the sadness from the loss of the last bar of white chocolate in the fridge, the second sadness moment when my sisters knew my secret place in the fridge where i hide the chocolate.the feeling of being broke not emotionally anymore of course because eventually some people appreciated beauty.the feeling of passion while eating koshri "local Egyptian food", the feeling of being so happy for the last time.And from here the chapter of feelings closed with a sad ending.or shall i call it realistic one?
My body gave me the red card and threw my soul away so it won't resist it's control over me, and even though i still have all my organs with no outside physical harm *despite my left leg* i felt pain firstly and then i couldn't feel anything ANYMORE.
it started to be the normal.
like my body is the state and i'm a poor worker who believes in socialism, if my body wants to shower my stomach right now with tense, anger because of a trivial reason it will.If it wants to crush my brain nerves to a terrible headache it will.Hardly pain killers can do something about it.just like being thirsty in the sea.i lost control and all the psychological books that assume that "you have to choose to choose" didn't work ANYMORE.
days became days, nights were nights and nothing was different, and i was waiting the world to fall apart but obviously even the world had no feeling.